I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me. Today was hard. It was really really hard. And I expects some really really hard days in the near future. But at the end of the day, I can rest assured that my Heavenly Father loves me, understands me, and will bless me through this very difficult time.
Today Brandon and I took all 3 kids with us to our sonogram to hear the baby's heartbeat. The nurses assistant was having a very difficult time finding the heartbeat. She assured us that the doctor would be able to find it without difficulty. Then the doctor probed around a little longer unable to find a heartbeat. Panic set in when she told the nurse to get us an ultrasound room. So with the kids in tow, we went to an ultrasound room. The kids got so excited to be able to see a baby. The ultrasound technician excused herself briefly and returned with my doctor. My doctor quietly told me that the kids may not want to be present. So I told Brandon to take the kids out. Then the doctor and the technician talked about what had happened. There was a sac but it was empty. The fetus had expired weeks before but my body still hadn't recognized a miscarriage. So I've been tired, hormonal, and nauseous for 3 months, and it's all for nothing.
I'm very shocked right now. I don't think I have any more tears to shed. I'm unsure of whether or not I'll have more children. I'm unsure as to when the pain will end. I'm unsure why I had to go through this after we felt confident that this is what the Lord wanted. But I am sure of one thing and of one thing only. Heavenly Father loves me.
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