At Last!

April 25, 2011

This past winter in Arizona was a rather cold one. Instead of just 5-6 days of overnight frost, we had several weeks of frost. As you’d drive around through the neighborhoods, precious plants, bushes, and tender trees had been draped with blankets and sheets protecting it from the harsh weather. Some plants survived. Some did not. We took great care in covering all of our rather young fruit trees in the backyard, but unfortunately left our 2 rather large ficus trees uncovered to brave the frigid temperatures. Our ficus trees did not survive and had to be cut completely back to the trunks. It was devastating.

When I returned home from my second hospital stay, I was saddened to see that our yard was filled with a lot of dead branches, and brown leaves. Nothing green but the lawn was showing and I wondered if life would ever show itself again.

Fast forward one month. The weather having changed into 75 degree days, I found it delightfully easy to want to plant a garden. So I planted a variety of things in my garden. Sunflowers, wildflowers, basil, dill, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, and radishes. As Brandon and I anticipated our upcoming cruise to the Carribbean, I waited anxiously to see if any of my seeds would sprout and produce the green that I so longed for. The gestation period for each of these seeds was short, and life should have presented itself long before we left on vacation. Just 2 days before we left, I noticed tiny little sprouts poking through the ground where sunflower seeds had been planted. The radish plants as well, sprung up without hesitation. I was elated to see new green life taking place in my now sad and barren yard.

A couple of years ago I did some painting work for my dear friend Sarah. She is an amazing professional photographer. I work with her on trade, and had accrued somewhere around $800 credit with her, to put toward future photography sessions. I have held off on using this credit, and have been wanting to use it for newborn photos, or pregnancy photos should another child ever choose to grace our family.

But that child has not been making themselves present, and after my scary experience with pneumonia, I decided that there was no better time than the present to get an updated family photo done. And so it was done. The photos turned out amazing, and I felt happy and satisfied with our current family standing. Because life was granted to me, I began looking at my children differently. I wanted to soak in every second, never feel burdened, and watch them grow slowly, like those tiny garden seedlings. I felt happy. Fulfilled.

Brandon and I travelled to the Carribbean on a cruise and had the trip of a lifetime. We rested, we ate, we slept, we ate, we snorkeled, we ate, we frolicked on the beach, we ate some more, we hiked, we ate, we bartered, we ate, saw shows, and then had some dessert. It was a great opportunity and had a wonderful time being in the company of our dear friends Rod and Stephanie. We vowed to do it again in 5 years.

Backing up to middle of March. I had my regular monthly appointment with my fertility specialist to find out the status of my cysts. After 6 months of seeing him, I expected nothing less than to see more cysts. I was shocked when he told me that he saw no cysts, but instead saw follicles. I was elated. Then he told me that he saw a mass that looked a little suspicious. I was given the prescription for Clomid and given a schedule on when and how I should take it. After 36 months of trying for a child, I was up for anything and Clomid seemed to be the answer.

Then later that afternoon, the doctor office called and asked me to hold off on taking the Clomid and instead wanted me to get an MRI of the suspicious mass. So I waited out a very emotional weekend until I could get in for an MRI. In the meantime, I had one precious day with my husband, as he was between business trips, and a weekend away at a Boy Scout training. The results of the MRI came back as nothing. It was a cyst, but not the kind that will be affected by Clomid. My doctor promised that next month we could start the Clomid challenge. I looked forward to April.

After our heavenly 7 day vacation, we arrived home to children who were anxious to see us, and we looked forward to getting back into a routine. My period was a day late, but what was new? Then two, then three. No surprises. After 6 days of being late, I grew a little suspicious. However, after several dozen times of seeing a negative on a pregnancy test, that last thing I wanted to do was take another one. So I didn’t. I patiently waited. Brandon was out of town on business again, and I remained curious. Finally on day 10 I took a test. Positive. What? How could that be? We hadn’t even taken the Clomid. I helped the kids get ready for school and out the door. Then took another test. Positive. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even cry or feel emotion. It seemed impossible and I was still skeptical.

I made an appointment with the doctor for the next day. I went in that next morning at 6:30 a.m. and had a blood test done. They told me that they wanted to see my levels at at least a 5 or higher. I came home and fell sound asleep. Three hours later the phone awoke me. It was the office calling. I was informed that I was indeed very pregnant and that my number was 5,000. I was incredulous. How could the number be that high? Apparently a high number is a very very good sign. That night when Brandon came home, I set up some things in the backyard for us for later on. I laid out a blanket on the patio furniture, had a letter for him, a small gift, and some ice cream. We talked for a minute and then I couldn’t take it any longer. I made him read his letter. It was “to do” list that I had made for myself. Among the items were, continue with patience with our children, continue feelings of peace in our home, and the last three items were: Prepare Emery to move to Makenna’s room, Get Christmas shopping done very early, and Prepare to welcome our 4^th child around December 18^th. Brandon was ecstatic. He hugged me and kissed my face all over. We sat up talking for 2 hours about how miraculous our life has been. One month I’m in the hospital with severe pneumonia, and the next month we’re expecting a child. The joy that we felt cannot be described.

The next morning we went to the Temple. Afterward while at the distribution center, I received a phone call from one of the assistants at the doctor’s office. My real number wasn’t 5,000, but actually 14,722. We were shocked. We could hardly contain ourselves. Surely this meant that there was a very healthy pregnancy going on inside of me. I myself was a little concerned that it might be twins.

Monday came. Finally it came. Because this was the day that we got an ultrasound to see just what was going on. What amazement we felt as we saw the sac and a little embryo and a little heart beating. It was so very tiny that it just seems too impossible to be real. A little miracle. A baby that we were almost ready to give up on. We were ready to accept the three that we’ve been given and move forward. We had given ourselves until April to understand God’s will for us. I guess we understand more clearly than ever. He wants us to be parents again. And we accept!! My heart is full.

Last week when I was on the phone with my sister in law Arian, she asked about the fertility and Clomid and wanted to know where we were in the process. I told her that I was awaiting my period. I expressed to her that at this point in my life I was extremely happy. I told her that I hadn’t been that happy and fulfilled in a very long time. And it was true. That’s how I felt. Baby or no baby, I felt true peace and happiness in my life. I was speaking only the truth and felt it when I spoke it. The next morning I took the pregnancy test.

Maybe the Lord tests us to see if we can find happiness, even when we aren’t getting exactly what we want. And then when we finally come to that peaceful place of pure joy, he blesses us with that which we most seek. Who knows? All I know is I feel truly humbled and grateful that I get the chance to carry a child within me again, that I get to do this with Brandon, and that I get to bring a child into this world right before Christmas. I am honored. I am blessed. I am happy.

In the end, I’ve learned that when all seems barren, and as though life won’t possibly grow again, life does happen. Even when a frost kills my garden, or when sicknesses and cysts plague my body, the Lord is in charge and if He wishes for them to be fertile again, then they will be. We just have to be patient gardeners in the meantime.